What should i be more turned off about... his massive collection of condoms or that he asked me to sign my name by number 68 on the list posted on his wall?
I think the two go hand in hand.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
Randomize
