when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
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