med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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