I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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