Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
