can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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