A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
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