You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
