Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
