the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
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