yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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