Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
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