so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
The Olympian is in my bed
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
