my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
Randomize
