I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
Randomize
