dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
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