She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
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