what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
Randomize
