If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
Life is so much better after having sex.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
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