so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize
