youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
