I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Randomize
