I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
