No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
And then my night got REAL pukey
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Randomize