I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
Randomize
