I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
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The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
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I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
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