he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
Randomize
