3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
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