so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
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Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
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I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.