if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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