i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
Randomize
