I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
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I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
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I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
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