so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
Randomize
