I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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