I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
Randomize
