Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Randomize
