If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
