Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
Randomize
