watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
