I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
are you so shy because you have an std?
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Randomize
