Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
Randomize
