Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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