I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
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