Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
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Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
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