Can i not drive my cunt home
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
She swung at the pinata with crutches
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Randomize
