dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
