So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
