why didn't you poke me back
I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
