So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
Randomize
