I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
Randomize
