when I scratched it gently some sort of watery looking stuff came out...so then I just stopped thinknig about it.
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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