He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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