I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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